Mia Mingus and Stacey Milbern are two queer disabled diasporic Korean women of color in the process moving from the South to the Bay to create home and community with each other.
This tumblr documents their journey. For more info about Mia, visit her blog at open hearts
Dear Mia,
I am thankful for this practice of weekly reflection and sharing with each other. As I talk with loved ones about our relationship, a common thread in conversation is the practice of vulnerability. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that “sharing our hearts” is part of relationship work and me being more vulnerable is something you want from me.
I have been asking myself over the last few years why I am so guarded, why being selective with information and compartmentalizing each part of my life is the only way I have known to be. When I look at you, I can see the particular way that disabled girl you had to navigate access for yourself has completely shaped the personality you have, the way you engage with others, and the work you do. When I think of myself, I think of disabled girl me not having any control over my physical movement or mobility. Even memories that sound so, so trivial because I could have grown up in an institution or group home (the violence disabled children face is heartbreaking) are still, ones that shape me. I think of, as a third grader, the lack of physical autonomy I felt when my mother sat me on the floor and refused to help me get up until I had memorized pages of words for the spelling bee. I think of how, in 8th grade, punishment for having a boyfriend felt so different from other kids’ because I could not reach for the phone, sneak out a window, or do something against my parents. My family did all my personal care and did it unpaid. I rode the short bus to school and as soon as classes ended, rode the short bus back home. When I wanted to go somewhere, the only option was to ask my parents for a ride and later, also for my sister to accompany me. I am not saying how I am is okay, but creating access by avoiding conflict, limiting what I share about myself, and tying fragments of a life together is the only way I know.
My relationship with you is the hardest work I have ever done, largely, because you ask me to be whole. I think of disabled girl you and disabled girl me and what I dream of for all of us. I want to grow into the person that acts right, and is honest, and does what she says — and I am committed to doing the work needed. Tonight I am also remembering that it does not happen overnight.
Stacey
