To The Other Side of Dreaming

i see the hungry on you, she said

dear mia,

for me, isolation - which is far different from a chosen state of being alone in that it is constant, nonconsensual, and a dizzying result of marginalization - has meant that i am constantly lusting after whatever connection i can find. people have exploited my hunger and i have been complicit in this because, like i said in my last note, i was starving for anything that resembled belonging. i have worked and loved and wanted and fought for people and movements who did not love me back. folks who said that if i tried a little harder, sacrificed a little bit more, waited a little longer, made my need a little less and grew a heart that was a little more forgiving, only then might they want me one day.

hope is not enough to feed me any more. fuck unrequited love. 

this week, i told someone who has been a huge part of my resiliency strategy these past few years that i couldn’t have a relationship with him. after a friend break up two months ago, my intent was to see if he was interested in opening it again. but, mid-conversation, all these things came rushing back. things i could not name, except for how they made me feel in my body - lightheaded, achy, and my gut becoming cautious. instead of sucking in my cheeks and thinking i might feel differently the next day, i almost-drunkenly explained that no, it would not be good for me because we wanted different things in each other and it wasn’t fair to expect ourselves to become what the other needed. and then we talked a bit more, reached consensus, and hung up. 

surprisingly, it did not take bravery to say all of this to him - this person that i love and miss so much - because i am learning to center my desires. when you start to listen to what you need to live beyond survival, it becomes easier to say no to that which leaves you still starving.

love,

stacey

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