To The Other Side of Dreaming

overwhelmed

mia, 

i am so inspired by the love and support being poured out over our move. today my friend and his parents messaged me to say that they heard i was applying for an award they are also applying for. they want to be strategic/intentional about how to apply (or not apply) so that we are not all competing against each other and pretending like we do not notice that there is $10,000 attached to this award.  

i keep asking myself what we did to deserve this outpouring. what it is that makes us think that our move is even possible.  we are women. women of color.  we should be handling our stuff on our own. there is nothing that makes us special.  we are disabled. what we are experiencing is the reality of disabled people everyday. we are queers. we should be doing this quietly, without creating spectacle.  there have been many people i have fallen out of contact with because they will not understand how i can even dare to dream this. i feel so fragile sometimes - i know that  if i call them and they say “what makes you so f*cking special?,” i will fall over like a house made of straw and the systems of power i have internalized will eat me alive.

but really, i dream that the relationship we are building with each other can build community. i value interdependence and centering our desire. i know what we are doing is our legacy, birthright, and purpose. it is my intention to love you (and myself, and us) in the best way that i can. i believe that love will grow my humanity.

yesterday i met another queer with a disability similar to mine. ten years ago, she and her best friend left the south to move to the bay. it didn’t work-  she didn’t know anyone and her plan for accessible housing fell through so people had to carry her up a flight of stairs every day. she said that everything comes full circle and what wasn’t possible then is possible now.

it is time.

stacey