February 2012
2 posts
i carry you with me
dear mia,
my mind has been on what it will take to rebuild our relationship in this new year we have been blessed with. i know there are the pieces around changing behavior, but there is also the need to show you care, to say “i love you”. consistently.
i love you.
when things are rough between us, my instinct is to shrink, to stay out of your way. it’s hard for me to grasp...
open hearts
Dear Mia,
I am thankful for this practice of weekly reflection and sharing with each other. As I talk with loved ones about our relationship, a common thread in conversation is the practice of vulnerability. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that “sharing our hearts” is part of relationship work and me being more vulnerable is something you want from me.
I have...
January 2012
4 posts
nothing left to tell
Dear Stacey,
“Neither of us have anything to tell. I, because I conceal nothing, and you, because you communicate nothing.” -Marianne Dashwood
What happens when we continually hurt each other? What happens when we don’t do what we say we will do? What do we wish for our daughters? What do we wish for ourselves and other women of color? And why don’t we give each other that?
I...
what "staying" means
dear mia,
thank you for writing about the weight of heartache and disappointment. there are so many emotions swirling in me. i have spent hours over a period of days writing this letter to you.
i don’t know where to begin: the tangible, crusted impact of my harm on you, our relationship, and family. knowing that the feeling undesirability is the result of my broken promise. the...
broken heart
dear stacey,
I don’t know what to write. But we said we would write every week for the new year and we said we would write to each other about wherever we are. We said we would be vulnerable—otherwise, what’s the point, right? We said we would risk, so that we know we’re truly living and loving.
So, here I am, wondering how to write the weight of a sigh or the breaking of a heart. How do you...
what is
dear mia,
it’s hard to believe that in two weeks i will be celebrating my one year anniversary of living in the bay. this week my mind is mostly on hustling to find more work, start school, and pay the bills, but i am also reflecting a lot on what i thought it would be to live in the bay, and equally as important, to be in relationship with you.
last week we joined ananda on the digital...
November 2011
1 post
risk
Dear Stacey,
The world is shifting and changing and my heart is being ignited by so many things lately: my work with the Bay Area Transformative Justice Collaborative to build transformative justice responses to child sexual abuse that don’t rely on the state; the out pouring of people, love, passion and spirit in Oakland for the General Strike as the world watched; the potential and possibility...
October 2011
5 posts
as who we are
Dear Mia,
This week I was asked what it would take to fully be in this accountability process with you, to open myself to be transformed by it. I am thankful for people to hold this with me and thankful for an opportunity to be accountable for my impact, but I am also scared, terrified, and feeling sometimes so unready. The accountability process is not only about acknowledging and stopping harm,...
be brave enough to break your own heart
Dear Stacey,
I have been thinking a lot lately about my bottom line, about my non-negotiables. Elders and friends have deeply supported me in this process, and also gently, yet firmly, pushed me to have a hard-line of what is enough for me. What will I take and when will I know I will not take anymore? Change and transformation are both long processes and i am committed to us, but I am also...
Who gets to have this? Being Held Accountable.
Dear Mia,
I have written three letters to you. Each with something completely different to say.
These last ten months have been so intense. I am moving from a place of isolation and only being responsible for myself. To being with you, and many other people I love. I am figuring out what accountability means —- what it looks like on the day to day —- and I am learning the hard,...
Doing Right By Each Other
Dear Stacey,
An insightful friend of mine once told me, “ mia, it’s not about you giving less, it’s about everyone else giving more.” I am feeling that so deeply right now. I feel very depleted these days with you, like I have given so much and am just waiting. Waiting for you.
I am waiting for us to go through the accountability process together so that you can work to be accountable for your...
chuseok 2011
dear mia,
so much has happened these last few weeks and months. i am not even sure where to begin, but i am writing because i know we are both committed to documenting our life in letters so we can look back and remember the work we did to get where we are.
three weeks ago, we celebrated chuseok (korean harvest holiday). celebrating chuseok with you was something i dreamed of and wrote about in...
June 2011
2 posts
Shawty Got Skillz: To the Other Side of Dreaming @... →
shawtygotskillz:
Mia Mingus and Stacey Milbern will share (via Skype) with the Shawty Got Skillsharers their amazing process of creating home and queer people of color disability justice community in the Bay area. Come Learn all about To the Other Side of Dreaming from Mia and Stacey!
Saturday morning June…
WatchSUPPORT SHAWTY GOT SKILLZ IN GETTING TO THE AMC!
Mia and I are so ecstatic that our Shawty Got Skillz fam will be heading to the Allied Media Conference this year! Shawty Got Skillz is a crew of 18 media makers of color coming together this summer at the AMC to do a carnival-like skillshare around how to use and make media. (Here media means anything you use to communicate a message -...
May 2011
4 posts
the bitter grief of dependence OR I am exactly who...
dear stacey,
I live in the grey space, a walkie. I use a manual wheel chair sometimes and would probably still be wearing a leg-brace if it were up to the doctors. Most times it feels like I am too disabled in able bodied spaces and not disabled enough in disabled spaces. I am physically disabled, holding the weight of not just access, mobility and isolation, but disfigurement, what it means to...
Values and Guiding Questions
In March, Stacey and I had an in-home weekend retreat with each other. We talked vision, strategy, capacity, and support for ourselves and our home. We also wrote out our values for our relationship and home. These are things that are important to us, that we wanted to consciously remember, build and cultivate.
We wrote out some guiding principles/questions for our work. Whenever anything...
living in the shadow of fear
dear mia,
leaving north carolina was easy: it gave me a chance at a whole new life and identity. specifically, it allowed me to be removed from all the mistakes i’ve made. i could stop taking calls from people i did not want to talk to. i didn’t have to answer people who knew where i came from, people who have been in the trenches with me. i could create a whole new california self.
most of my...
another anniversary on my mind
dear mia,
i have been so, so scared to write. every time i sit at the computer to type out my thoughts, i think of all the different people in my life who have asked me quite pointedly what i have done to deserve such a platform - what makes me worth the amount of money that we have received for our move or what amount of life i have experienced to even have something to say. sometimes i...
April 2011
1 post
it never disappeared: violence and the medical...
dear stacey,
I have been avoiding writing this letter. I don’t talk about what happened when I was a child in the medical industrial complex. Sure, there are little mentions of it here and there, but I don’t go into it. It is too painful, too scary, too angering.
Talking about it with you has been the first time I have ever really talked about it with another disabled person since it...
March 2011
3 posts
on rage and the medical industrial complex
dear mia,
sometimes i become so frightened by the way that you are able to see me.
you say things like:
“i see your rage.”
“i see your sadness.”
i am not used to people seeing me, mostly because i don’t trust others to let them in enough. i have spent my life forced to bury my anger so deep inside my body that if asked to feel something — anything...
crip-made access
dear stacey,
today we took our first walk together in our neighborhood with my new homemade seat belt. You, in your power wheelchair and me, sitting sideways on your lap. My homemade seat belt made out of an unusable sling for the lift, rolled and fitted around me, and looped to your chair to hold me tight to you. it meant so much to me.
I don’t usually get to take walks and often only see...
WatchLast week, Stacey and Elaine sat down for a conversation before they took their big trip to NYC. Elaine traveled with Stacey to help with access on the road. We thought it would be a great idea to get some of their thoughts on access, community and home before they took off. Here are some of the highlights!
February 2011
3 posts
week one: taking a shower
dear mia,
sometimes when i shower, i feel like an animal being hosed down in a cage. typically my attendants put on a plastic apron, spray me with water and soap me up with a washcloth. bathing is never a reflective or enjoyable time for me - it is something an attendant does as a job or my family does out of duty or obligation. wash. rinse. get out. it is no wonder we crips are so...
WatchDear TOSD community,
We did it!!!! Thank you!!! In just under a week, we have raised about $2,400—enough to cover the lift AND the sling! Truly amazing!! Thank you thank you thank you!!
Thank you to everyone who was part of making it happen! Folks donated funds from as far away as Australia! People shared, re-blogged, linked and tweeted to help spread the word, adding personal messages of...
WatchHi TOSD community!
We need your help raising $2,000 for a lift and a sling!! This is the lift that Stacey will use to lift her in and out of bed, to go to the bathroom and take a shower. It makes a HUGE difference and means that more people can do PA (personal attendant) work and more folks can sign up for careshift slots regardless of their physical abilities. It is a safer way for Stacey...
January 2011
4 posts
like we know we are each other’s survival
dear stacey,
I am getting ready to head back to the Bay tomorrow with your temporary lift in my car.
I am so excited for you that you are in the bay! How amazing! I wish I could have seen you when you got in. seeing you for the first time a week later just seems wrong. i hope you are having amazing times and loving the sun and the access and learning from older crips! That last part still...
writing from california
dear mia,
it is noon here in berkeley and i am sitting in a neighborhood coffee shop. it was a startling thing to come into the coffee shop today — i put down my computer and scanned the room, feeling like something was very noticeably different. it took me a second to realize that out of the eight people sitting directly in front of me, not one person looked up at me as i sat down. i...
free love
dear stacey,
i can’t believe you are moving here tomorrow! how did we get here??? i am so excited to see you and to make the last pieces of living together happen!
The lift and ramp are in the works; the careshift access shifts are organized and will be done by some pretty great folks in our community out here. In a day, you will be out here in a temporary home and in just under a...
the south doesn't need martyrs
Dear Mia,
Eight more days before I leave North Carolina and fly to California. The reality of how quickly the adventure is approaching is overwhelming. I’ve taken off work to deal with all the details of my move: transferring insurance, applying for medicaid, calling doctors — all my access needs are negotiated through the medical industrial complex — wading through a hundred...
December 2010
5 posts
a dream as it touches ground
dear stacey,
My heart pounds fast and hard as I think about our new home. And not just for all the reasons you mentioned in your last letter—all the amazing and glorious reasons (yes!). But also for all of the things on the flip side of that coin. All of the things I feel hesitant to voice, but that play on repeat in my head.
At the same time that I have been wildly anticipating this moment, I...
our new home
dear mia,
the landlord picked us!!!!! we have a HOME!
in two weeks, moya and yolo will fly out to be with you and help you move into the new home. in a month, i will move to the bay and live with my friend patty who is making space in her life to do intergenerational skillshares with me around crip life skills (managing PAs, staying safe, running a home when i need others to do the physical...
strength to love, courage to hope
dear stacey,
I must be feeling better, this is the first urge to write I have had in days. I have been thinking more and more about Martin Luther King Jr.’s book, Strength to Love; about the courage and the strength it takes to love. I remember reading it for the first time, feeling it change me, and staring at the words, running them over and over in my mind and saying them slowly out loud,...
isolation as normal as breathing
Dear Mia,
I think about To the Other Side of Dreaming almost every second of the day, especially as I run through all the different scenarios of moving. Throw my things together, move next month and live in my friend’s home? Wait til Spring when the market opens up? Move the minute you find a home for us?
It has been four months since my younger sister (both best friend and someone who did...
the meeting place of truth and narrative
Dear Mia,
It’s been a long time since I’ve written you. Someone I care about, a friend who is also a disabled queer woman of color, told me recently that her work was invisibilized in this tumblr. I wanted to take the time needed to really hear her and reflect on ways I can be more thoughtful in how I engage with this tumblr and To the Other Side of Dreaming. (Fighting pace of...
November 2010
1 post
November 6th
dear stacey,
Today is November 6th, the day I was brought to the adoption agency to be adopted, the day the adoption agency recorded as my birthday, the day I celebrated as my birthday for 25 years. It is the day I left my birth family, never knowing if I would return. It is the day I left my first home, my first land. It is the day that a strain of longing was born inside of me for something...
en route, in motion: leaving Atlanta part 2
Dear stacey,
I made it to California late last night. I will reach the Bay area tonight.
The last four days I have been in constant movement, no time to be still. It still sometimes feels like I am just on a long adventure, after which, I will return home to Atlanta. I don’t know that it has sunk into me yet, that I am not going home.
Moving out of my loft was so overwhelming, I had no time...
October 2010
7 posts
angel from montgomery
dear mia,
i cannot believe you are in alabama already. i keep checking the map sunny made for us so that i can guess how far you are from atlanta and whether it’s too late for you to swerve around, maybe move to north carolina instead. so many parts of me itch to call and tell you not to go. i do not even live in atlanta. our souths are different. you are leaving to find a home for us....
driving home from detroit
Dear Mia,
This post is not a letter, but I wanted to share it because it speaks to what I am dreaming that we can build together, with each other, and community:
Riding through West Virginia’s lavender mountains with Janelle Monae on the stereo, I am singing Tightrope at the top of my lungs. I do not usually let others see me sing or dance around in my wheelchair, but today there is no need to...
leaving knowing and learning to miss: atlanta part...
dear stacey,
I am supposed to be in bed, asleep, so that I can get up tomorrow and pack the rest of my house into boxes. I am exhausted, but I can’t sleep.
This last week, I have been slowly realizing that my time in Atlanta, as I know it now, is coming to an end after twelve-plus years, after arriving here when I was 17. Even if I come back later, it will never be the same; it will be...
Update: Moving to Move!
Hi friends!
Things have been moving so quickly—so many big changes—and we wanted to let you know the latest news about our move!
But first, a quick appreciation and thanks to Moya, Aaminah, Teukie, Mai’a, Bianca, China and Yolo for their tireless work on fundraising for us!! I know yall are working so hard all the time and doing so much that we don’t see: running the chipin, book sale and...
Courage
Dear Stacey,
The other night I dreamt about a lion. I woke up remembering the way its mane looked in the night and how beautiful it was as it glided past me. I looked it up and dreaming about lions can mean different things, and I think in my dream it was signaling courage.
Maya Angelou says, “Courage: the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other...
dangerous (please remind me why we are doing this)
dear mia,
we have the audacity (or irresponsibility?) to say publicly that we are choosing to create a home where our access depends on each other. we will not be able to just walk out on another if we get mad. you will need the money i bring home. i will need your physical help and connections to community. we are letting ourselves need each other in a world where disabled people experience the...
September 2010
9 posts
How Can I Support “To The Other Side of Dreaming?”
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Many thanks to Moya and Yolo and all the other folks who pulled this together! This is a concrete way to support disability justice community. Originally posted on facebook, crunk feminists, Selah, and quirkyblackgirls.
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Support “To The Other Side of Dreaming”
In a flash of bold courage and brave vision Mia Mingus and Stacey Milbern began a journey of possibility the likes of...
restoring forces: beyond any word for love
dear stacey,
these days I swing back and forth between fear and stress and hope and faith. A giant pendulum moving steadily, silently through the air.
In this moment I feel what is possible. In this moment I feel how beautiful and hard it is to move from a place of intention, even in the face of fear. I am grateful for the people in my life who are able to help me stay connected to intention...
i see the hungry on you, she said
dear mia,
for me, isolation - which is far different from a chosen state of being alone in that it is constant, nonconsensual, and a dizzying result of marginalization - has meant that i am constantly lusting after whatever connection i can find. people have exploited my hunger and i have been complicit in this because, like i said in my last note, i was starving for anything that resembled...
chuseok
mia,
as we wait to hear if this place you visited yesterday will be our new home, i am dreaming of our place being home for community.
today is chuseok (korean harvest holiday). in some ways i have so much access to korean culture — i live with my halmoni, eat korean food often, and sit in a house surrounded by korean furniture and art. at the same time, it has been easy to be scooped up...
difference
dear stacey,
I feel your rage, I share it. I feel it inside of me for us, for me and for you. The rage sits so deep, feels overwhelming at times. For me, there are many different sides to it because sometimes we use rage and anger as ways to unite, and in the process forget about difference. My rage is complex because, even as I am angry at the system of able bodied supremacy and the ableism...
the storm is brewing
mia, mia, mia,
my thoughts drift to you while you seek out our future home. your last letter spoke to my disappointment so well. you recently asked me about resentment. part of me resents being asked about resentment- i had things tucked away so tidily! now that it has unleashed itself, i am watching every piece of rage, loss, sadness, jealously wash by like debris made undone in a storm.
i am...
Believing in the Impossible
dear stacey,
I feel worn out and tired, and a little bit bruised. I have been out here for almost a week looking for housing and after today, I am sitting here thinking, is it an impossibility? Do we have a right to dream it? You sift through the listings, send me the links, I call and inquire about accessibility and arrange to go out and see the one or two of them that might work. Nothing I...
overwhelmed
mia,
i am so inspired by the love and support being poured out over our move. today my friend and his parents messaged me to say that they heard i was applying for an award they are also applying for. they want to be strategic/intentional about how to apply (or not apply) so that we are not all competing against each other and pretending like we do not notice that there is $10,000 attached to...